i am gripped always by maddening want

I once dated a man who taught quantum physics; I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works--not what it is, not how it behaves, but how it works, he will first talk himself in circles and you wind up crying, and finally sometime between entrée and dessert, he'll call you a bitch and leave.
The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between the bartender's gut and lower extremities. And this is important, so pay attention. Before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity...there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force that on a day before there were days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying the planets to stars. It's the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light.

Mary Shannon - In Plain Sight

Its 2 in the morning and I'm watching tivoed "In Plain Sight"s because I'm a masochist. I genuinely enjoy not sleeping. I like being the only person awake. I really hate being tired, and every morning I curse myself for it...but coffee or a coke and I'm back on my A game...or B or C depending on the day...

Normally I'd use that quote as a lead in to something profound. But I'm having a problem and I'm not sure entirely what it stems from. Perhaps unemployment and the resulting days of waking up at noon and watching food network or crime show marathons for hours on end has resulted in a "hulu commercial" brain melting of epic proportions or maybe I'm exhausted from school and literacy fairs. Or maybe I'm just lazy, morphing into an emo underachiever right before everyone's eyes. But I exist on the surface these days. Untouchable, unmoveable. Change is unnecessary. I don't need to go anywhere. I don't know what I want, so I don't have to work to get there. This motionlessness is easy, if useless.